Early memories of romance novels must have poisoned my outlook on love. I always expected a fairy tale man who knew exactly what to say and do when I was down. Who brought me flowers and cherished me flaws and all. Needless to say those books are classifyed as fiction for a good reason.
Every relationship I've ever had has ended up disappointing me. Granted to have to live up by the yard stick of a romance novel fellow is most unrealistic. But can you blame a girl for wanting the man who has such a deep connection to her?
I had bragged in the past about never having been the one to be broken up with. I always felt plenty of pain being the one having to end things, so much so that I would prolong the break-ups to ridiculous amounts of time. Now having been engaged or supposedly so and involved with someone who in the end turned out to be just a fading memory I feel differently about love.
I want passion and someone who completes me. To be fair I do not feel that I have to have a man to complete me but still a companion to grow old with, to share ups and downs is still a nice ideal. Having recently been heartbroken, or as heartbroken as one can be when they have time to evalute the relationship from a new prespective I should say. I feel as though my outlook on love and what it means to me, has evolved.
First I know that passion and strength are key factors in any future relationship I may or may not embark upon. Telling someone that you love them to fill the silence doesn't seem to be worth it. I want a man who can look at me when Im pmsing and in ratty pjs with a permant scowl on and think of just the thing to say to give me all the more reason to love him.
I used to think of love in terms of apperance and sheer compatibility, but in truth its more than that. To love someone you have feel a passion, one that goes deeper than current emotions. Being able to complete each others thoughts is no longer a cause to believe in love. I suppose Im rambling and should just get the point.
The point is...
Im only eighteen years old, with a lot of love left to discover. Perhaps there will be a an who will not only live up to the romance novel aspect of things but surpass them. Or maybe I am being unrealistic. All I know is that actively looking for love seems to make the process run on dial up servers. Love will come and go, but I know at the end, which will be either my marriage or my death I will look back on all thats happened and think. I have loved with my whole heart, granted the men I loved seemed to be disillusioned or not looking for the same thing. Either way there had to be something special in them for me to pick them out to love. Regardless of how they treated me or even still do I loved those men for a reason. Of course in the end I wont remember those reasons, but I will remember the first two men who taught me to love without bounds. I hope to one day look back and remember only the good times, but I do understand thats rather unrealistic. But as things stand I honestly cant hold what has happened in the past against them.
What I can do is be more cautious with whom I love and why I love them. For now Im taking time to love myself for who I am. When the right man comes along, I'll know. And Im positive he will accept my past, present and future, and love me regardless.
